Hello everyone everywhere,
The castle has sold, and in spite of all this, today is Michelle’s birthday. And that makes me happy. She turned 25 today. That’s what we’re staying with. She’s beautiful, she’s an incredible wife to Dean, and she’s an incredible editor and friend to me. If you knew this person you wouldn’t believe it. She just is…good. That’s it.
And now it’s time to close our eyes and our thoughts if only for a moment…and rest. Until we meet again at Tony and Lucinda Bowel’s Home of Learn to Knit School And We Teach The Best Skeet Shootin’ Emporium. (It’s great folks, and right outside at the same time as your wife is knitting, we teach skeet shooting).
ELLIE’S LONG DAY
Now Ellie Kramber was a 42 year old school teacher. She was very kind to everybody.
Well, one day her friend, Mary Austin Spedodo, asked Ellie if she would take care of her cat, Chester Field. (Mary Austin called him that because she liked the name Chester and she liked fields). Ellie didn’t know anything about animals, and she forgot names like crazy. It’s not that I don’t like cats, Ellie said to herself, but that one seems to be staring at me pretty good and I’m not sure who’s going to win this battle.
Mary Austin Spedodo said, “Ellie, would you just watch him for the day? But you’ve got to keep your eyes on him because he likes to get away. Whatever you do, don’t let him get outside.”
Ellie said, “No problem there, my dear, I’m think it’s covered just fine.”
So the next day, true to her word, Mary Austin shows up with her cat Chester Field. Now Ellie has the cat and Mary’s waving goodbye, and Chester is already having a fit. Here we are, 9 a.m., and Ellie’s holding onto a cat that she does not know and probably is not going to like very much either. But you never know how the day is going to go.
This story has a sort of a happy, tragic ending. Chester Field started the day by relieving himself on Ellie’s clothes that were lying on the floor in the closet. After that, Chester went over to where Ellie was sewing buttons on a shirt. He liked the buttons because they twinkled when he hit them. So Chester kept hitting them. Oops, one fell. Oops, that’s a mistake, that’s not good, another one fell.
Ellie is kind of…I don’t know…docile, and truly not up to Chester Field’s antics. He’d gotten three buttons off that shirt when he heard a noise and had to leave his business. He thought to himself, this Ellie woman just isn’t doing it for me. I’ve got to get out and stretch my legs.
Ellie had gone to hang rags out on the balcony, and coming in and out distracted her from closing the door on a bright sunny day.
Chester Field thought, I’m out of here. This woman just can’t keep it together.
So out the door he went. One spring up and one spring down, and he’s out. Now he can finally stretch his legs.
Back lanes are not a cat’s best friend sometimes when the cars are flying. Chester thinks to himself, I’ll just jump up on these balconies and those cars won’t touch me. So he jumps up on one, and then he springs to another, and then one more, if you can believe it. (But I know you can). But that was the end of his walk. Because Norah Fledamo, the greatest cat lover in the building thought she’d won a prize. She grabs Chester and says, “I’ve got a cat!”
Now Ellie, being the good person she is, had forgotten about poor Chester an hour ago. Until she went in the cupboard to grab the clothes that had fallen off the hangers and…say no more, say no more…. Ellie yells, “Where’s the cat! This cat has ruined my clothes but I can’t give him buh-heck Now I have to find this damn…I mean darn…cat.”
Meanwhile, back at Norah’s place, Chester is thinking to himself, I thought that Ellie woman was a bit slow and redundant, but this one’s right crazy. I’ve got to get out of here. He looks at the screen and thinks, this woman is better than Ellie. The screen dor is wide open, so he jumps up, flies out of her suite, jumps on the balcony, onto the road, and for some crazy reason, starts heading back to Ellie’s. And he doesn’t much care for her either.
Well Ellie’s hanging over her balcony crying, when she sees Chester. “What did Mary Austin say to do? Oh yes, crinkle some tin foil.” So she tells Chester not to move, whips into the apartment grabs her tin foil, and comes back. She rips off a part, and thinks to herself, I paid a lot of money for this, and not for using it for a cat. Oh well, anyways, on to the story.
She grabs a handful and crumples it up in the air so Chester can see it. Well, Mary Austin was right. Chester came bouncing right back up again. Ellie grabs Chester (in a loving way of course), takes him in, and closes not only the screen door, but the glass door too. Not ten minutes later Mary Austin phones and says, “I’m on my way to pick up Chester. Was he great or what?”
Ellie chokes a bit and says, “Well I wouldn’t want to do it reguarly but he was fine.”
Chester sits back in the sun and thinks, yeah, I peed on her clothes, I met a crazy woman, and it was a hell of a day. That’s all.
(Never ever give up).