LIFE AND TIMES OF A WEEKEND

Hello everyone, everywhere,

The weekend was rather funny. It was very quiet. I was bored and I didn’t know what to do, so I put a suit on and went to the grocery store. I didn’t really need anything, but sometimes I just like to walk around the aisles in a suit. You never know whom you’re going to meet. I usually meet the cashiers. Twice. Once when I’m going through, and the second time when I come back to get what I forgot the first time.

I’ve been going to the same store for years, so they know me pretty well. So they don’t mind that I go through the store two or three times in the same visit, and I don’t seem to mind, so that’s the end of that story.

On another subject, Michelle is going away. I will have to work long distance. I’m not happy. She’s not sure. Dean is just having a bad week. Michelle and I have been together so long. I can’t imagine her not being here with me. Sorry about that, Dean. But when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. I mean, I can’t stop progress. But this show will carry on in all its glory.

Well, that’s about it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. Oh…I just did. That’s it. Until next time.

And now it’s time to close our eyes and our thoughts…if only for a moment…and rest. I had lots of ideas kicking around, but this one came back and had to be done. I love doing Danny Spitz, so I wondered after three years if I could do it again. And I am. May I present…the return of …

THE RETURN OF DANNY SPITZ, ALMOST A PRIVATE EYE

The Case of Find the Doll – Part 1

Danny Sptiz

It started like 1948 was going to be a good one. People had some coin jingling in their pockets, going out dancing, love on the mix. (You guys following me? Because I don’t like to repeat myself!)

I’m on my way downtown to my office. Oh! Let me introduce you to the players first. That’s right, we start with me. I’m Danny Spitz, Private Eye. You will, of course, remember me from the big Merv Belcap incident. What a case! I mean, Danny, you really stepped it up a notch.

Oh yes, I rehearse…no, I regret….no, no, no, uh…let me introduce you folks to my new office assistant, Glenda Spitz. Yeah, okay, she’s my kid sister. And not least, but it wouldn’t matter, my brother-in-law, Lester Luckless. My sister Glenda said she’d work in the office only if I hired her deadbeat painter of a husband. Well, there you have it. That’s everyone. Oh, I forgot. Almost everyone. (Later…later).

About Doreen, my last office girl…She quit. Something about me buying back my car, getting new furniture, and a few suits. Of course, there was an oversight in Doreen’s pay. She apparently wasn’t getting any. Hence we departed ways. Bye, baby! I’ll never forget you and your funny ways. As she climbed into the cab she yelled, “Screw you, asshole!” Who wouldn’t hold onto that?

On to the case. It felt like any stuffy Saturday afternoon in June, except it was Monday morning, and it was April. Note to self: if no milk for cereal, do not substitute bourbon.

So the phone shrilled around 2 or 2:30. It could have been 4. Who the hell cares? Glenda grabbed it on the fourth ring. (Surprised she even bothered). “You have phoned the office of Danny Spitz Investigations. How may I direct your call?”

“Oh,” the caller said. “You have more than one investigator?”

Glenda cleared her throat and replied, “Yes, there’s Mr. Feeble, Mr. Wontwork, and Mr. Finishedup.”

The caller said to Glenda, “Just put me through to any of them.”

Glenda replied, “I’m sorry Madam, those gentlemen are all out on other cases.”

“Is there any chance at all that Mr. Danny Spitz could be located? This is a serious case.”

Glenda snorted. “Hang on to your girdle, Toots. Leave a name and a number and Danny will return your call promptly. Maybe promptly is a little over the top. I’d suggest hanging around your phone most of the day.”

(NEVER EVER GIVE UP)

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By jamesghutcheson

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